Why Don’t My Adult Kids Come Home for the Holidays? How family traditions change when your children grow up and how to stay connected through it

When a parent asks, “Why don’t my adult kids come home for the holidays?” I think the question underneath it is often closer to: “Why don’t my kids want to be around me?”

Holidays are supercharged with emotional memories. You spent years trying to make them special. You created traditions, bought gifts, worked longer hours, made the food, drove all over town, stayed up late, woke up early, and probably stressed yourself out more than your children ever realized. Now they’re adults, and suddenly they’re creating traditions of their own. And when those traditions don't include you, that can hurt.

I’m Afton Turner, LPCC, and much of my work focuses on family dynamics, parent-adult child relationships, and the patterns underneath difficult family relationships. One of the biggest adjustments I see parents navigating is accepting that a close relationship with an adult child may look very different than the relationship you had when they were younger.

Do They Not Want to Spend the Holidays With Me or Are Things Just Different?

This is an important distinction. On the surface, it may feel like your adult child doesn’t want to spend the holidays with you. But before landing there, ask yourself: Do they not want to be here at all, or can they simply not spend the holidays the way they used to?

The early years of establishing your own adult life are hard. There may now be a partner, in-laws, children, work schedules, travel, sports, custody arrangements, finances, and several people trying to make plans at the same time. That doesn’t automatically mean they don’t enjoy being with you. It just means their life has changed.

Holiday Traditions Have to Be Able to Change Too

Flexibility is key.

Families evolve. Jobs change. Children are born. Costs change. Demands on our time change.

Your own holiday traditions probably looked different when your children were little than they did when they were teenagers. There is no reason they should stop evolving once your children become adults. For example, a newborn in November may make Christmas look very different that year. It is a lot easier to bring a 10-month-old somewhere than a 10-day-old. Christmas also doesn’t have to happen on December 25th to "count."

Maybe the fruitcake you made together every Christmas Eve becomes a fruitcake you mail to their house, so it arrives on Christmas Eve.

The tradition can change without disappearing.

When there is no flexibility in expectations or actions, your adult child may feel like they have to make a black-and-white decision: either do exactly what the family has always done or disappoint you. And sometimes that pressure accidentally pushes people farther away.

“Why Do They Always Spend Holidays With Their In-Laws?”

This one can really sting but try not to immediately turn it into “They like that family more than us.”

There may be things happening in your adult child’s relationship, or in their partner's dynamic with their parents, that you don’t see. Sometimes an adult child spends more holidays with their partner’s family not because they necessarily prefer it, but because they feel safe enough with you to say no. They may know they can turn you down without a huge argument, while saying no to the in-laws comes with much more tension.

Is that always fair? No. Just because you take it well and arguments don’t ensue doesn’t mean it isn’t disappointing. But it’s worth considering what else may be happening before assuming their choice is a reflection of how much they love you.

Instead of becoming fixated on this year, look ahead.

You don’t need:

“Well, since you’re spending Christmas with them this year…”

You can simply ask:

“Could we pencil in next Christmas together?”

Do you hear the difference in those two approaches? You aren’t planning next year because they rejected you this year. You’re planning it because you want to spend time with them. The words we use matter. You don’t have to carefully plan every statement with your child, but it is helpful to make sure you’re actually communicating rather than just passing hurt back and forth.

If You’re Really Thinking, “I Just Want to See My Grandchildren”

For some parents, the hardest part about changing holiday plans isn't missing time with their adult child, it's missing time with the grandchildren. However, your relationship with your grandchildren is deeply connected to your relationship with your adult child. Your child is the bridge to your grandchild. So nurture that relationship too.

If you can’t physically spend the holiday with your grandchildren, there are still plenty of ways to be part of it. Send a card, make a phone call, remember the school play, ask for pictures, or find small ways to show up from where you are. Closeness isn’t only built by how many hours you spend together on a particular day. It’s built over time through consistent interest, effort, and connection.

What If My Adult Child Really Is Avoiding Family Holidays?

Sometimes things aren’t just different. Sometimes your adult child really does seem to be avoiding coming home. You can ask, but the timing matters. Don’t ask in the heat of rejection while everyone is stressed about Thanksgiving plans. Ask in June. Ask in September. Ask when nobody is actively negotiating a holiday schedule.

You might be tempted to say something like:

“Why are you always avoiding us?”

Instead, try:

“Is there anything that would make family gatherings more comfortable for you?”

Maybe staying in a hotel would help. Maybe traveling is expensive. Maybe there is a particular family dynamic that makes gatherings exhausting. Offer possibilities, not assumptions.

And if they give you an answer you don’t like?

Sometimes the best response can simply be:

“Okay.”

You don’t have to solve it in that moment, agree with everything they say, or immediately defend yourself. Take the information in. Process your deeper feelings with your spouse, friends, journal, therapist, or another support system before deciding what you want to say next. The goal of asking isn’t to convince your child that coming home shouldn’t be difficult for them. It’s to better understand what their experience of coming home actually is. Once you understand that, you have more information about what can be changed to make spending time together feel easier for everyone.

So, How Do I Make My Adult Kids Come Home for The Holidays?

Unfortunately, there isn’t a magic solution because every adult child is different. Flexibility helps, options help, making the best of the time you do have together helps. Avoid using the holiday dinner table to unpack every unresolved family issue, political disagreement, or difference in beliefs.

Your adult child spending a holiday somewhere else does not automatically mean they don’t want a relationship with you. Relationships are built over years of experiences, memories, connection, disappointments, repair, and hope for the future. Your relationship with your adult child is not defined by who gets Christmas Day n

or by the last interaction you had.

Sometimes staying close means allowing the traditions to change while continuing to show your child that there is still a place for them with you.

Afton Turner, LPCC works with parents, adult children, and families navigating changing family roles, conflict, estrangement, communication breakdowns, and relationships that don’t look the way they once did. Learn more about working with Afton or schedule a free consultation.