Why Is My Adult Child So Disrespectful? What respect looks like when your child is no longer a child

When you feel disrespected by your adult child, it can be especially painful. This is someone you have spent years loving, raising, supporting, and trying to help. When the relationship starts to feel dismissive, tense, or hurtful, it makes sense that the word disrespect comes to mind.

However, respect can mean very different things to different people, and it can get especially complicated when the relationship shifts from parent and child to two adults. Before figuring out what to do about a disrespectful adult child, it helps to get clear about what happened that left you feeling disrespected.

I’m Afton Turner, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, and much of my work focuses on family dynamics, parent-adult child relationships, and the patterns that can make the transition from parenting a child to having a relationship with an adult much harder than either person expected.

Before We Start: Questions to Ask Yourself

I often hear variations of: “If I had spoken to my parents the way my adult child speaks to me, I would have never gotten away with it.”

That comparison tells me something important. Your expectations of respect were shaped by what happened in your own family, and that makes sense. What was considered respectful when you were growing up? Could you disagree with your parents? Tell them when something hurt you? Question a decision? Or was respect closely tied to doing what you were told?

Now think about the interaction with your adult child that left you feeling disrespected. What did you actually feel, what emotion came up? Dismissed? Belittled? Embarrassed? Hurt? Angry? Did it feel like your opinion no longer mattered? Or something else?

Would the same behavior feel disrespectful if it came from a friend, sibling, coworker, or partner? If your answer changes when the person is your child, it’s worth thinking about what you expect specifically from the parent-child relationship.

There may also be a real difference between the way you were expected to speak to your parents and the way you taught your child to communicate with you. Maybe you gave your child more room to speak up than you had. That doesn’t mean you gave them permission to be rude but you may have raised someone who believes they can disagree with you, question something you say, or tell you when something doesn’t feel right.

And that’s where I think we have to talk about what happens to the relationship when the parental “authority” changes.

Respect Looks Different When Authority Changes

We often talk about respect alongside hierarchy. Respect your elders. Respect your teachers. Respect your boss. Respect someone of a higher rank.

Parent-child relationships naturally begin with a hierarchy too. When your child was young, you were responsible for making decisions, setting rules, correcting behavior, and keeping them safe. Adulthood changes that part of the relationship.

You are still their parent, but you are no longer the authority over most of their decisions. Ideally, the relationship begins moving toward a more mutual kind of respect: respect for their independence and ability to make choices, alongside respect for you as their parent and as another human being. That transition can be harder than it sounds.

I sometimes hear parents say, “I fed them, kept a roof over their head, and gave them everything they needed and more,” while trying to understand why their adult child seems ungrateful, disrespectful, or critical. Adult children sometimes describe the same childhood differently. They may acknowledge that their physical needs were met while also feeling that something was missing emotionally. Those two experiences do not have to cancel each other out.

A parent can have worked incredibly hard, sacrificed, and provided for their child while that child still has feelings about parts of the relationship that hurt them. Talking about those things is not automatically the same thing as lacking respect or appreciation.

When Advice Isn’t What They’re Looking For

For years, part of parenting was noticing a problem and trying to help solve it. That instinct does not suddenly disappear when your child becomes an adult. However, sometimes your adult child is telling you something because they want to talk about it, not because they want you to tell them what to do.

However, sometimes your adult child is telling you something because they want to talk about it, not because they want help solving it.  Instead of trying to guess what they need from you, ask: “Do you want my opinion, or do you just need me to listen?”

If they want your opinion, great. If they just need you to listen, that does not mean your experience or perspective has no value. It simply means that is not what they are asking you for in that moment. Your new challenge, is to not take their action personally, whatever their choose is up to them. 

What Happened That Felt Disrespectful?

Let’s circle back to the original concern and get more specific. What actually happened?

If your adult child disagreed with your opinion, said no, made a different choice, or told you they did not want to discuss something, you may still feel hurt or dismissed. But that does not automatically mean they treated you badly.

Sometimes the feeling of disrespect is tied to the loss of authority that comes with your child growing into an adult.  Other times, when you get specific about what happened, the problem really is the way you are being treated. Yelling, insults, humiliation, threats, or repeatedly saying things meant to hurt you are very different from simply making an independent choice.

Being someone’s parent does not mean you have to accept whatever treatment they give you. The question becomes less about whether your adult child is disrespectful and more about which behavior is causing harm. That gives you something much clearer to act on.

If the Behavior is Genuinely Harmful, Address the Behavior

If you find that you have been mistreated, I would move away from “You don’t respect me” and get specific. For example:

“When you called me ______, that hurt.”

“When our conversation turned into yelling, I didn’t want to keep talking.”

“I felt embarrassed when you said ______ in front of everyone.”

Specific behavior gives both of you something concrete to talk about. It can also help to look underneath the word disrespected. What are you actually feeling?

Name the emotion, even if that feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable. If you are struggling to identify it, write down a few possibilities or pull up an emotion wheel and notice what actually fits.

Then look at the part you can control.

You cannot force your adult child to calm down, apologize, or understand your point of view. You can decide when you are no longer willing to participate in the interaction.

That does not automatically mean cutting off contact. If yelling starts, you can end the call. If a conversation turns into insults, you can step away and address it when things are calmer.

“I didn’t feel okay with how our conversation went last week. When you said ______, that hurt me. I don’t want us speaking to each other that way.”

Calling your child disrespectful tells them what you think of their behavior. Telling them exactly what happened and how it affected you gives them something much more specific to respond to.

Respect Has to Change With the Relationship

Respect between a parent and a young child is not going to look exactly like respect between two adults. You are allowed to expect kindness, consideration, and a relationship where you are not continually being hurt. Your adult child is allowed to disagree with you, make decisions you would not make, and build a life that increasingly belongs to them.

The relationship has to make room for both.

So when you find yourself thinking, “My adult child doesn’t respect me,” get specific before deciding what needs to change.

• What happened?

• What did it bring up for you?

• Are you asking them to treat you with basic respect?

• Are you asking them to hear your opinion?

• Or are you expecting your opinion to still carry the authority it once did?

  
  

Those are different problems, and figuring out which one you are dealing with gives you a much better place to start.

Afton Turner, LPCC works with parents, adult children, and families navigating conflict, changing family roles, difficult communication, and long-standing relationship patterns. Learn more about individual or family therapy, or reach out for a free consultation.