How Do I Tell My Parents They Hurt Me?

How to talk about childhood hurt without turning the conversation into a fight

If you’re thinking about telling your parents they hurt you, there is probably a reason you want to have this conversation now.

If you’re here, you’ve probably done enough of your own reflection that you finally understand why certain things in your relationship with your parents feel the way they do. You’re noticing patterns that aren’t changing, phone calls end in tension, or you’re keeping parts of your life to yourself because it feels easier. 

You know this conversation isn’t about punishing your parents for the past. It’s because you want a deeper, more meaningful, and connected relationship with them now. But how do you get that message across?

I’m Afton Turner, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, and much of my work focuses on family tension, parent-adult child relationships, and helping people understand the patterns underneath difficult family relationships. One thing I see often is that talking about the past is rarely just about the past. Usually, something about it is still showing up in the relationship today.

Before You Talk to Your Parents, Ask Yourself What You Need

You don’t need to know exactly what you want your parent to say or do, but you should have a decent idea of what you’re hoping to get from the conversation. If you blindly go into a conversation without understanding what you need from it, you may not recognize it if it does happen.

Do you want an apology, acknowledgement, or accountability?

Is there something happening in your relationship now that you want to change?

Do you simply want your parent to understand you differently?

If you’re ready to open this door, first ask yourself:

What am I hoping will happen?

Then consider one harder question:

What if it doesn’t?

You don’t have to be okay with the worst possible outcome before talking to your parents. But, there is one important message to understand; you can only control what you communicate, you cannot control what they do with that information.

If You Don’t Know How to Start, Start There

People put a lot of pressure on themselves to find the perfect way to start these conversations. You don’t need one. If you don’t know where to start, say that:

“I don’t know where to start, but I want to share this with you.”

Next, it can help to explain why you’re bringing it up:

“I really want to have a good relationship with you.”

“I’ve learned something about myself that I want to share with you.”

“I’ve been thinking about why I react this way, and I think some of it connects to things from growing up.”

I encourage clients to use phrases like “I want to keep a relationship with you.” There can be a big difference between telling someone you want to keep a positive relationship and telling them you want to fix or improve the relationship. The second can immediately sound like criticism. Starting with what you value about the relationship can help your parent understand that you are bringing this up because the relationship matters to you, not because you are trying to tear it apart. You don’t need the perfect words, but it helps to make your intention clear before you get into the harder part of the conversation.

Writing notes for yourself or making a few bullet points about what you want to make sure you say can help if you begin to feel flustered or aren’t getting the responses you expected.

Talk About the Pattern, Not Every Single Thing That Happened

You don’t need to unload 20 years of hurt in one conversation. Focus on the pattern and how that pattern affected you.

Instead of:

“You never cared about my feelings.”

you might try:

“When I came to you upset and the conversation quickly became about fixing the problem, I started feeling like I shouldn’t come to you when I was emotional.” then provide an example, “When I came home upset about a breakup, I think I really needed someone to listen to me cry and tell me it was going to be okay, instead of trying to solve the problem for me.”

Specific memories can help explain what you mean, but the goal isn’t to build a case against your parent. You don’t have to convince them with everything you’ve learned in therapy either. Your parent doesn’t need a lesson on childhood development to understand your experience. Tell them what you’ve realized. Tell them what it was like for you. Tell them what you hope can be different now.

What If My Parents Remember My Childhood Differently?

They probably will. Part of getting older is realizing your parents were not having the same experience you were having. Think about a childhood trip to Disney World. You may remember meeting your favorite princess, riding your favorite ride, or something magical that happened that day. Your parent may remember checking the bank account, trying to keep everyone fed, making sure nobody got lost, worrying about the weather, and trying to keep the whole trip moving.

You were a child having a childhood.

Your parent was an adult having an adulthood while raising you. And if we have learned one thing, it’s that adulthood is hard and distracting!

The same thing happens with painful memories. Your parents may remember everything else that was happening, why they made the decision they made, or what they intended. You remember how it felt to be their child in that moment. Both perspectives can exist. Their experience may help explain what happened, but it doesn’t erase the impact it had on you. Understanding their perspective does not mean excusing painful experiences.

What If My Parents Get Defensive?

This is probably the part people fear the most.

Maybe you’ve imagined finally saying what you need to say only to hear:

“That never happened.”

“I did the best I could.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

or the classic:

“So I guess I was just a horrible parent.”

Unfortunately, I do hear versions of these responses often.

But I also encourage people not to judge the entire conversation by the first few seconds. Being told you hurt someone doesn’t feel good. For many parents, hearing that something they did affected their child touches one of their biggest fears: I messed up.

Our first reaction is not always our final reaction.

Your parent may need time. They may become defensive. They may say something emotionally reactive before they really understand what you’re trying to tell them. You can allow them space to be human without making their emotions your responsibility.

There is also a difference between an imperfect first reaction and an ongoing pattern of dismissing, insulting, blaming, or guilting you every time you try to speak honestly. When you were a child, it was important that your parents did not put their emotions on you. Their emotions were not yours to solve. They still aren’t.

What If They Never Apologize?

You’ve had the conversation. They listened, took time to process, came back to you differently, and things genuinely begin to shift.

There’s also a chance nothing changes.

The conversation can still give you information. Once you’ve told your parents what you’re experiencing and what you need, what they choose to do with that information tells you something about what is possible in the relationship. From there, you may be able to adjust your expectations.

You may speak up more. You may become clearer about what you are and aren’t comfortable with. You may stop feeling as responsible for keeping everyone happy. Your sense of obligation to the relationship may change.

Even if your parent does not change, the relationship still can when you change how you participate in it. That may not be the outcome you hoped for when you started the conversation, but it can still help you feel more grounded and regulated when interacting with your parents.

How Do I Tell My Parents They Hurt me?

Well, you Don’t Have to Have This Conversation Yet

Talking directly to your parents does not have to be the first step, especially when there has been significant abuse, neglect, or disconnection.

Starting somewhere else is also helpful.

Write the letter you never send, journal the things you’ve never been able to say, make notes for yourself about what you’re comfortable with and what you want to do differently. Talk it through with people you trust.

Individual therapy can also give you a place to understand your own story before trying to explain it to someone else. You can figure out what you actually want to communicate, practice the conversation, prepare for different responses, and decide whether eventually inviting your parent into a session would be helpful.

Telling your parents they hurt you doesn’t guarantee they’ll understand or change.

However, if something from the past continues to affect the relationship you have with them today, you are allowed to talk about it.

Your role is to communicate your experience. You don’t also have to carry your parent’s emotions about hearing it.

Afton Turner, LPCC works with adults and families navigating childhood hurt, family trauma, estrangement, difficult parent relationships, and conversations that feel impossible to have alone. Learn more about working with Afton or schedule a free consultation.