Are Political Differences Actually Moral Differences? Navigating Parent and Adult Child Relationships.

By: Afton Turner LPCC

I am a therapist working with parents, adult children, and families navigating parent and adult child conflict, family relationship problems, estrangement, political and value differences, and difficult communication. I help families better understand the patterns underneath their conflict and find ways to move forward even when seeing eye to eye isn’t possible.

We are navigating a unique time in the world. Political differences are at an all-time high, and the divide can feel deeper than it has in a long time.

Many of us were raised with the rule that you don't discuss religion or politics. Now, those conversations are everywhere. For many families, they aren't just conversations about who you voted for anymore. They're conversations about morals and values. Religion. Finances.

Education. Sexuality Gender. Parenting. Even the weather! What is right and wrong. What kind of person you believe someone should be. So when someone says, we shouldn’t talk about “politics,” I don’t think that is realistic. 

Sometimes political differences really do feel like moral differences.

But I also don't think that means the relationship has to become one long debate.

They likely already understand your perspective

I often hear parents say "I just want them to understand where I'm coming from."

And that makes sense. When something is deeply important to you, of course you want the people you love to understand why. Plus, as a parent, your main mission was to teach them. But, if that’s what you spent (at least) 18 years doing then they know what you believe. They know why you believe it. They know that you don't agree with their choices, their relationship, their politics, their religion, or the way they're living their life.

They may have heard the stories about how they "used to be different." They may know about the article you sent them, the person you know who changed their mind, or the statement you think might finally make something click.

They get it. They just don't agree. And those are two very different things.

Do you still want a Parent and Adult Child Relationship if nothing changes?

This is the piece I think gets missed. Let's say your adult child completely understands your position. Now what?  There can be a tendency to put the relationship on hold while we wait for the other person to come around.

Once they understand...

Once they mature...

Once they see what I see...

Once they realize I was right...

But what do you want your relationship to look like until then?

Or, maybe more importantly, what if "then" never comes?

Your adult child may never vote the way you do. They may never return to the religion they grew up in. They may stay with the partner you don't like. They may raise their children differently than you raised yours. They may continue living in a way you genuinely believe is wrong. You don't have to pretend those differences don't matter to you. But you do have to decide what you're going to do with those differences.

Would every relationship in your life have to pass this test?

I also think this is worth considering. There are probably people you care about whose beliefs don't perfectly align with yours.

Friends. Coworkers. Extended family. Neighbors.

You may know you disagree about something significant and still ask about their vacation. You still laugh together. You talk about your favorite football team. You celebrate their birthday. You enjoy who they are outside of the thing you disagree about. Sometimes we have a much harder time allowing our children that same complexity. Because we raised them, poured so much time into them their choices feel more personal. But your adult child is not an unfinished version of the person you hoped they would be. They're an adult who may come to conclusions that are very different from yours.

You don't have to change your beliefs to change the relationship

Accepting that your adult child believes something different does not mean agreeing with them. Having dinner together doesn't mean you've endorsed every decision they've made. Finding other things to talk about doesn't mean you've abandoned your values.

Sometimes it simply means recognizing: They know where I stand. And now you get to decide what else you want them to know about you.

Do you want them to know that you love hearing about their job?

That you remember what kind of cake they like on their birthday?

That they can call you when something goes wrong?

That you can laugh together?

That there is room in your relationship for conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with the things you disagree about?

Political and moral differences can be significant. I'm not going to tell you they shouldn't matter. But if your adult child already understands what you believe, continuing to make sure they understand may not be bringing the two of you any closer.

At some point, the question may need to shift from:

"How do I get them to understand where I'm coming from?"

to:

"If neither of us changes our mind, what kind of relationship do I want to have with my child?"

That question doesn't require you to abandon what you believe. But it may change what happens between you forever.

---

I work with parents and adult children navigating conflict, estrangement, communication breakdowns, and relationships that don’t look the way they once did. Learn more about working with me or schedule a free consultation.